Relationship difficulties

Relationship turmoil is part of life.  It is very common to complain and criticise partners or become defensive when we feel wrong or attacked. It is normal to occasionally get frustrated and stressed with our partners once in awhile. What is important in maintaining a healthy relationship is that the positive experiences outweigh the negative ones. 

Psychologist and researchers, John & Julie Gottman, studied thousands of couples to determine what makes a marriage a success or failure.  They concluded that the balance between positive and negative emotional interactions are the key to predicting relationships success. Happy couples report a ratio of about five positive to one negative interaction. If you occasionally get frustrated and stressed or fly off the handle, that’s ok as long as you are being predominantly kind and loving within your relationship. 

As a psychotherapist I work with couples helping them to deepen their understanding of their interpersonal dynamics that may be getting in the way of having a kind and loving relationship. I also provide couples with tools to help them argue well and communicate openly and authentically. Arguing is important as conflict helps us grow within a relationship but there are tools to help us move through conflict so that it is productive rather than destructive. If a couple never argues it can mean they are too confluent, which isn’t healthy in a long-term relationship. Being too confluent, or merged as one unit, can also have a negative impact on sexual desire. In healthy relationships we need to have a sense of being seperate individuals. This is called differentiation and is the key to maintaining desire in long-term relationships.

As part of an unhealthy relationship dynamic, sex can often be used as a bargaining chip or form of control in relationships. When one person is angry or wounded,  they may withdraw from sex in an effort to protect their vulnerability.  This is a normal process but some couples may fall into a sexual rut and need support to break the cycle. A sex therapist can provide individuals and couples the therapeutic support necessary to break unhealthy relationship patterns and bring intimacy and trust back into their relationship.

Even if your relationship is beyond repair, a therapist can help you to separate well.  It is important attend to the ending as you would the beginning of a relationship.  Often we perceive the ending of a relationships as some sort of personal failing, however, sometimes moving on is the best thing we can do.  It takes courage and strength to successfully end a relationship and to start over.   Successful endings are when we can reflect on our relationship and feel gratitude for the experiences we received.  Learning from past relationships only leads to better relationships in the future.